Okay. I have a confession. I am beyond stressed right now. I am having such a hard time finding a balance between everything going on in my life. Between the regular house stuff, dishes laundry etc and managing all of Carson's needs plus everything that Baylee has going on I can't seem to keep up. I feel like I am running in circles trying to half-ass everything just so I can say it's been 'done'. Example: I wash the clothes, I put them in the dryer and start a new load. When the dryer is done I put all of the clothes that were in it into a chair in my living room and switch the wet clothes to the dryer. Always thinking I will fold them later I move on to another chore in the house (make food, dishes etc). I NEVER get back to the clothes in the chair. Okay, maybe not NEVER but not the rest of that day for sure. My house is dusty, there is something on every flat surface (mail, etc) and I can't tell you the last time I made a bed.
Carson is a full-time job. I seriously can't look away from him because when I look back he is trying to chew on an electrical cord or eat paper or climb onto the kitchen table. Between that and now I have to check his sugar every three hours and correct when it's high (or low). If it's high I go ahead and feed him again just so I feel better about having to stab him in the leg or arm again. Compound that with a really harsh winter that has left me home bound for almost the past week (and school out for Baylee). She is at that age now where I'm an idiot, she knows it all and we have been butting heads constantly. I think I've mentioned before that she's a mini-me. I seriously don't know how I survived my childhood without my mom knocking my lights out. I love her so much but I have to admit it is so much easier when she is at school.
Part of that problem is the fact that I really have no one to talk to about what is stressing me out. Mike is worried enough about finances and work and putting food on the table. We never really talked about Carson's chromosomal diagnosis (can you say elephant?) and now with the diabetes it is even worse. I relay to him the messages from the docs about changing insulin doses etc but Mike hasn't given Carson one injection since probably the day we came home from the hospital. I am up every three hours during the night checking blood sugar. I have done that since the beginning. Mike hasn't done it once. Even on the weekends. His excuse is that he can't see very well without his contacts BUT he has glasses so there goes that theory.
My best friend is great but she is so busy herself with her three kids that I don't really feel like I can mention anything to her because, well, she doesn't get it. She was blessed with three perfectly healthy kids and I don't want to be Debby Downer when I do get the chance to talk to her.
The one person that I could talk to was my boss' wife. Now that I am no longer working I'm finding it longer and longer between conversations. I don't blame her. She's in her 60's and busy enjoying the life she now has and the freedom that comes with it. I think they will be moving soon to Florida so it's not like I'm ever really going to be able to see her again anyway.
The one person I wish I could talk to is my mom but frankly it's just not possible. I don't know if it's she doesn't care or if she just doesn't want to believe what it going on. She actually had the nerve the other day to tell me that to her it feels like I have taken custody of MY kids from her! She is referring to the fact that she used to babysit the kids for me when I worked. Granted, she did have them a lot BUT I never worked full-time. For a while it was 3 days a week, then it went to a 3/4 split and then I worked 4 days a week but only 3 weeks a month and then I would get a week off. I was so flabbergasted I didn't know what to say. Considering the fact that she never listened to what I wanted for my kids (diet, sunscreen etc) and now she has such a hard time saying no to them it's hard for me to even be over there especially when it comes to Carson because when I quit working it too me weeks to get him off of drinking Coke. He would bring me can after can out of my fridge asking for it. I finally got smart and started leaving it in the garage where he couldn't reach it. I would give him a little in a cup at the beginning because I figured he was having caffeine withdrawals and it would be easier to wean him off little by little. Now that he is diabetic I can't have him at her house trying to drink from her cup and her turning the other way.
Tomorrow Carson has two appointments at Children's. One is to see his nurse practitioner and the other is with a social worker. I really don't want to spill my guts to a state mandated worker but it may come to that. Maybe they can give me some coping strategies that will work. I still wish this was all a dream but I know it's not. Each day is so different with him. Some days he's great with sugar checks and other days I have to hold him down. Tonight he tried to rip the needle out of my hand after I had already stuck him in the leg.
I'm sure if I could sleep through the night for a few nights in a row I would probably feel a lot better but they just changed his Lantus dose again and gave me strict instructions to check it every 3 hours. I had been slipping and letting it go to 4 or 4.5. I would set my alarm for the 3 hours and then either sleep through it or hit snooze for over an hour before I'd wake up and realize what I was doing. I have even been putting it across the room and I'm still figuring out how to sleep walk to the alarm just to hit snooze for another 9 minutes, which then turns to 60-75!
So I'm off for another sugar check. Crossing my fingers it's within range. Then I can go to bed for my 3 hours and then back at it again later....
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