In a given day I check Carson's sugar about 8 times. I also give him about 8 insulin injections a day. As well. That means I am stabbing that poor child AT LEAST 16 times a day. An keep in mind this is a 5-year-old kid who has other issues to deal with too. Any 5-year-old would protest and fight being stuck repeatedly with needles, hell I would too, but add SPD and a cognitive delay and it's a whole new story.
I don't know how much if this he understands. Probably more than I am giving him credit for to be honest. I tried to explain to him the other night that I wasn't mad at him and I wasn't doing this to punish him. I tried to explain that his pancreas wasn't working anymore and I had to do it's job now so that he wouldn't have to go back to the hospital. I'd like to think that at least some of what I said was processed. He knows now that he is allowed to have pickles and pork rinds whenever he wants but not yogurt and applesauce. That has to mean something, right?
I actually broke down yesterday because I am so stressed out. Baylee had an extender placed in her mouth by her orthodontist on Tuesday and we have to turn the key in the roof of her mouth every day. Yesterday when I was turning it the 'key' popped out of the hole and poked her in the roof of her mouth. I felt horrible for it happening. She of course screamed and cried and freaked out and I don't blame her. Then to top it off, Carson lost his balance and fell and smacked his face on the coffee table and got his first black eye. I iced it three separate times and it's still swollen and purple. I just feel like I can't win for losing at the moment.
Friday we went to see Carson's ENT (the doc who suggested this blog in the first place) and when he came into the room he was so understanding about everything. Even things that he doesn't deal with. He told me that his patients who are type 1 diabetics start to lose their hearing in their 30's as opposed to their 50's like most people. This sucks on it's own just because Carson already has a hearing loss in both ears. He was happy with the way his tubes are working and how much he is communicating with us between his signing, iPad and talking (his whole one word - EAT!! He then told me that if we do qualify for BCMH they offer home nursing visits which we can even use as respite if we need a break. He looked me straight in the eye and told me to ask for help when I need it because he knows Carson is a 24/7 job. I just wish the people in my family/circle could understand that too.
When I think about it, it's really weird how my family has been with us. Even from the beginning my mom hasn't been one to really see the whole picture. And even though my older sisters do, neither one of them has ever offered any kind of help. Even with Carson being in the hospital I don't really think I spoke to my mom more than one or two times and it was me calling to check on Baylee. My one sister came to see us but she was already in the building with her daughter for an appointment so it's not like she made a special trip. My oldest sister has been the one who I've talked to the most and that's mostly because since she and her husband are both medical professionals and work in hospitals I would run things by them before making decisions about things (like the A-line incident in the PICU.)
When I did mention to my mom that now not only am I mom, teacher, cook, maid, boo-boo kisser etc I am now nurse first and foremost. I wasn't looking for sympathy. I was just looking for a place to vent. All she said to me was, "You're mom. That's your job." Gee thanks. I just wanted a "Damn. That really sucks. I'm sorry you're having such a hard day." Just a little support. Hell at this point Mike is pretty much useless too. He too is a type 1 diabetic so when his sugar is low I have a 3rd child and when it's high he's a total asshole. I don't understand what I did to have all of this compounded onto my shoulders. I love my family. I love my kids. Sometimes I just don't understand it at all.
We go back to school Monday as long as the weather holds. It's been a month since he's gone. It's going to feel weird being back in those walls but I think it will be nice to have some normalcy. It's late. I'm going to bed for a couple of hours before my alarm goes off to check his sugar again.
XX
I actually broke down yesterday because I am so stressed out. Baylee had an extender placed in her mouth by her orthodontist on Tuesday and we have to turn the key in the roof of her mouth every day. Yesterday when I was turning it the 'key' popped out of the hole and poked her in the roof of her mouth. I felt horrible for it happening. She of course screamed and cried and freaked out and I don't blame her. Then to top it off, Carson lost his balance and fell and smacked his face on the coffee table and got his first black eye. I iced it three separate times and it's still swollen and purple. I just feel like I can't win for losing at the moment.
Friday we went to see Carson's ENT (the doc who suggested this blog in the first place) and when he came into the room he was so understanding about everything. Even things that he doesn't deal with. He told me that his patients who are type 1 diabetics start to lose their hearing in their 30's as opposed to their 50's like most people. This sucks on it's own just because Carson already has a hearing loss in both ears. He was happy with the way his tubes are working and how much he is communicating with us between his signing, iPad and talking (his whole one word - EAT!! He then told me that if we do qualify for BCMH they offer home nursing visits which we can even use as respite if we need a break. He looked me straight in the eye and told me to ask for help when I need it because he knows Carson is a 24/7 job. I just wish the people in my family/circle could understand that too.
When I think about it, it's really weird how my family has been with us. Even from the beginning my mom hasn't been one to really see the whole picture. And even though my older sisters do, neither one of them has ever offered any kind of help. Even with Carson being in the hospital I don't really think I spoke to my mom more than one or two times and it was me calling to check on Baylee. My one sister came to see us but she was already in the building with her daughter for an appointment so it's not like she made a special trip. My oldest sister has been the one who I've talked to the most and that's mostly because since she and her husband are both medical professionals and work in hospitals I would run things by them before making decisions about things (like the A-line incident in the PICU.)
When I did mention to my mom that now not only am I mom, teacher, cook, maid, boo-boo kisser etc I am now nurse first and foremost. I wasn't looking for sympathy. I was just looking for a place to vent. All she said to me was, "You're mom. That's your job." Gee thanks. I just wanted a "Damn. That really sucks. I'm sorry you're having such a hard day." Just a little support. Hell at this point Mike is pretty much useless too. He too is a type 1 diabetic so when his sugar is low I have a 3rd child and when it's high he's a total asshole. I don't understand what I did to have all of this compounded onto my shoulders. I love my family. I love my kids. Sometimes I just don't understand it at all.
We go back to school Monday as long as the weather holds. It's been a month since he's gone. It's going to feel weird being back in those walls but I think it will be nice to have some normalcy. It's late. I'm going to bed for a couple of hours before my alarm goes off to check his sugar again.
XX
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