I'm heading off to bed tonight with several new gouges out of my neck and face. I was given these by Carson who has for some reason decided that it is hilarious to hurt me. I can't say what is going through his mind when he gets the urge to pinch or bite or scratch me but he seems to get some enjoyment out of it. I have to be honest, I have told him 'no' with a strong voice-with no reaction from him whatsoever. I have smacked his hands. He smiles. Literally. I have pinched him back. He now winces and waits for me to do it back to him-which I don't because I know it won't do me any good. If I pretend to cry he laughs. I honestly don't think he understands what he is doing. I am the only person that he will do this to. He has tried with his dad but when he simply said to him in a very stern voice, 'you can't hurt me', he never tried again.
So I am the lucky recipient to his torture. There is no warning. You don't have to piss him off in order for him to do it. You could be sitting watching a movie with him and all of a sudden he will just reach out and rake his nails down your arm. Sometimes I'm lucky in that he doesn't get a good grip on my skin and will just get white scratch marks. Other times like tonight I can actually hear my skin popping under his fingernails and be left with huge bloody gouges in my skin. He used to only do it to my arms but now his new favorite place is my neck. Either in the very back ( he will usually get me here when I am carrying him or if I am leaning over him to change his diaper or clothes) or in the very front under my chin.
I have gone for months embarrassed at the sight of my arms. Now they are mostly scars but for the longest time I had open wounds or scabs all up and down them. I sometimes got the feeling that people perceived me as a heroin addict because my arms looked so awful. But if people were able to see me long enough they would see Carson pinching me or scratching me and put two and two together.
A patient of mine the other day saw my Band-Aids on my arm and asked if my boss (who is a dermatologist) had gotten a hold of me. I just laughed and said no. He asked why my arm was all bandaged up and when I told him my little guy had done it to me he asked if I had gotten him back. I said no again and he was astonished. He told me that if his son had ever treated him like that he wouldn't have an ass to sit on. All I could do was smile. Sometimes it's not worth the effort to explain it all.
My best friend today suggested that I start looking into group homes for him for when he is older because the "nice ones" have waiting lists. I was so taken back by that. Even with everything he has done to me I have never once thought about a group home. Don't get me wrong you have to do what you have to do but the only way I would ever allow him to be in a group home is if his entire family were dead. Even then I'm not so sure about that. But at the same time she does have a point. What happens when he is bigger and stronger than I am? He's already strong enough to pull me through the house to show me what he wants and he is up to my chest with his height already at the age of 4.
It's almost 1 am and the only thing that I know for certain at this moment is that my neck is on fire and I'm exhausted. Time to go to bed and get some rest before he wakes up in a few hours and it all starts again...
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