Today is one of those days where I feel like I am completely coming unglued.
Last night Carson basically refused to go to bed. He isn't like his sister where I tell her it's time for bed go brush your teeth and she does it. Most nights I will either rock him to sleep in my arms or will lie down with him in his bed (he has a full-sized bed just for this) and pretend to fall asleep and then he will follow. For whatever reason last night it was almost as if he were on crack. He was all over the place, jumping and flipping, kicking me in the head and pinching me when I would try to hold him down-thinking if I could just get him to sit still long enough he would pass out.
It finally got to the point where he kept pinching me and I flat out told him that if he pinched me again I was going to leave the room and he would have to go to bed himself. Of course it wasn't even a minute later and he pinched me in the neck again. I got out of bed, told him good-night and left the room. I stood just on the other side of the door and held it shut thinking he would try it once and then go away from the door. That wasn't exactly what happened...
He started crying almost immediately after I got out of bed and followed me to the door. He pulled on it once, then again and then started screaming as if he was being mauled by a bear. In a matter of seconds I heard him at his bedroom window tearing at the blinds and by the time I was able to open his door and adjust my eyes to the low light of his night light I saw him all the way on the other side of the room tripping over his toys and ending up in a heap on the floor at the foot of his bed bawling his eyes out.
I felt about an inch big. What the hell was I thinking? I ran to him and scooped him up into my arms. Of course, I had NO IDEA that that was the reaction I was going to get out of him but it still made me feel like the worst parent on earth in that moment. Exhausted and trying not to cry myself I carried him back to bed and sternly told him that while I was sorry for leaving the room it was time for him to go to sleep and not hurt me again. He crawled over to his side of the bed and waited for me to climb back into bed. Once I was settled he snuggled up beside me and quickly fell asleep.
I have no idea what caused him to act so crazy instead of going to sleep. Maybe he wasn't tired? I really have no clue. I still feel guilty because I was the one so obsessed with going to sleep because I knew I had to get up early to get his sister ready for school and after that incident I couldn't go to sleep because I was (and am) feeling so guilty so what was the point?
Tonight I'm going to let him wear himself out and see how long it takes for him to pass out. Getting up at 7am isn't so bad even if it is 2 am when you finally get to sleep. I would rather that than feel like a horrible parent for most of the night and all of the next day. There are bigger battles I would rather save my strength for :)
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