Sometimes I wonder what we look like to the outside world. I can honestly say that when I look at Carson I don't see the features that make him different. When he was first born I was so worried about what other people would think about me and about him but I got over that very quickly. His geneticist even offered to refer us to a plastic surgeon to change his ear shape. I turned him down flat. I told him that when Carson is older he can grow his hair long and become a rock star. He told me that I was one of only a few parents that he had who would say that. That's pretty sad.
We live in a small country town and when I would take him to the grocery store the women at the checkout would always ask questions about him and his development etc. Even now they recognize him and will comment on how big he is getting or if I'm just running in for a few things I will let him walk and they always notice if he's out of the cart. I appreciate the fact that with the same women working there every time that we go there they talk to him and treat him as if he is just another kid hanging out with their mom.
Outside of that, if I run to Target or to the mall or something I'm kinda in my own little world and don't really think about the fact that his ears and facial features are different or that he squeals and makes other noises instead of talking. We laugh and play and have our own 'conversations'. Sometimes I get the sympathy look from adults, usually mothers. Sometimes I will get a cashier who will ask how old he is (I'm assuming they think he is younger) and when I say almost 5 they balk. Sometimes they will try to cover their response with "so his birthday knocked him out from starting school this year?" I just say yep, pay and leave.
The other day I was at Justice looking at clothes with Baylee (a total nightmare store with a child in a stroller I must add) and Carson was squealing and trying to pull all of the clothes off of the racks. I was trying to maneuver the best I could around all of the racks of clothes and trying to keep him from making a huge mess when a group of about 6 teenage girls came in acting all snooty like most teenage girls do. One of them gave Carson a look that made me want to smack her. I seriously had to check myself because I came so close to at least confronting the way she was looking at him. To me, he's just a little boy but to her he seemed to be an annoyance. It's sad that kids act that way. I always hope that maybe parents nowadays would be more open to their kids playing with children with special needs or at least acknowledging that they are there.
I saw on the news the other day about a woman with an autistic son in Canada who received a letter from someone in their neighborhood telling her that her son should be euthanized. My heart broke for her. How can someone be so heartless? Carson may be a LOT of work. He may never talk, use a fork or be out of diapers but he is one of the few things in my life that is pure. He doesn't know how to lie or cheat. The innocence that he emanates is so amazing and inspiring. He looks at the world in a completely different way than most people do. People now are so rush rush rush and he is the total opposite. Today I watched him as he stood in front of the stove for at least 5 minutes just watching the digital clock on the back splash. Every time a minute passed he celebrated the new number staring back at him by squealing and running to me and pulling me over to show me. He would then start again, so happy to stand there and wait for the next one to come. How adorable is that? He makes me remember to enjoy the 'now' because I am guilty of rushing through life just like everyone else.
I want to be a voice for Carson. I want others to know that having a child with special needs (however great they may be) is NOT the end of the world. If anything, it opens your eyes to another side of it. Granted there are days that I wish that I could sleep in my own bed or at least have him not sleeping practically on top of me. Days that I would almost give anything to not have to watch him like a hawk because he may put something in his mouth, or trip and fall or just lose his balance. Days that I wish that he could just say what he wants or needs instead of the frustration that goes along with not have the ability.
But the reality is this: Carson is my little guy that gets to go through life with me. I get to cut up his food and feed it to him, change his diapers, put on his clothes, bathe him, teach him and most of all nurture him. I accepted that fact long ago and I'm okay with it. Mike said when he's 20 and still sleeping in bed with us that we'll just get a California King and it's all good. That's why I love that man, he gets it too.
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